I've been a parent for over a year and a half and it was only just recently that I caught myself looking in the mirror wondering "Who am I now? Where did the old me I once knew go?" I had this feeling of mixed emotions creeping up inside me since in the beginning but it only seems now that I'm coming around to questioning it.
When a baby is first born a family is too. It's easy to get so caught up in such a wonderful miracle and all that comes with it like feedings, changing, and play time, that before you know it you feel like you start to loose a bit of yourself to that little person and the new role of parent that you've stepped into. Time is just flying and you can see how quickly it goes as that little person grows! Things are changing and it's easy to start loosing a grip on old friends, relationships, your personal image and style and family ties. Before, all you had to think about yourself: your wants, your career, your goals etc. and suddenly you find yourself only thinking about your child!
I now find myself wearing many hats and seeing myself in several ways: Mother, partner, friend, photographer, Dutch me, American me, old me, new me. "Me" is begining to feel obsolete. I feel like I have to be an almost different person for each area of my life. The world is my audience that I have to keep captive and my child is on the front row. But what about me? The real me now that I'm a parent. What happened to the me who didn't care what other's thought. The me who didn't need to be liked because of my cool clothes or expensive stroller. When I can find that me, that the outside world doesn't effect, I think I can turn it around to better the world and set a good example for my children.
So whether you are a stay at home parent, a working parent, or something in between like me, here are a few steps I've found in helping to find a center point when you feel like you are loosing yourself after becoming a parent:
1.Make time for yourself. It all starts with you. Whether it's a little "me" time to visit old friends, go work out, or part take in a sport or Hobby, it's important to continue to enjoy the healthy activities you were part of before becoming a parent. It's easy to forget these things and remember that your partner might need it too.
2.Know that you are not alone. Stop comparing yourself! Don't you just hate seeing those happy parents and feeling that you don't have it all together like they might? Well here's a secret. One of those happy parents is probablly looking at you thinking the same exact thing or may have been through something similar! With that said let's move on to numero 3.
3.Join a Parents connect group. Whether it's online, through your church, or a group in the city, meeting up and sharing experiences can be helpful to build your self esteem and relevance. Now that you've stepped up to the new job as parent, it's imortant to network! Try and find smaller parenting sub communities that you can connect with interest, age, or language. Being stretched out between too many groups will leave you with a large volume of information that may not be pertinant to you. If you are in the Amsterdam area be sure to check out the Parents in the City connect group!
4.Don't be afraid to ask for proffessional help! When all else fails, don't hesitate to ask for help. Even parenting groups can't help with some of our more intimate or personal issues. A happy parent who is set and happy with who they are will raise a happy child. Please let me know if you are in need of an english speaking counselor or psychologist.
5. Have Fun! Along with making time for yourself, remember to make time to have fun with your family. Feeling overwhelmed and stressed can take a tole on how we act, and how we and others percieve us. Cut loose and act silly with people you trust, plan a day to get out of the house and see something new. Consider taking a small break from the tv and social aps and focus on the reality. Life is short, so don't forget to celebrate it along the way, just because.
6. Know that everything changes. Yes, that's including you. Your past and experience, you likes and dislikes make up part of your identity. But the rest is what is going on right now, so don't forget to live in the moment. Find beauty in the small things and take time to slow down.
Share with us! Now that you've become a parent, what problems have you encountered with identity in your new roll? What things helped you?
